New York Moment: LXXXVI

(A crowded A-train headed uptown at rush hour. ISAAC is standing, trying to read his magazine, but is constantly distracted by the annoying group of four right next to him. The two women are sitting while the two men stand.)

MAN #1: Huzzah!

(He shoves his crotch into the face of one of the women.)

MAN #1: Ha ha! Did you like that?
WOMAN #2: Ewwww.
MAN #1: What, baby, you didn’t like that?
WOMAN #1: No, she didn’t like it.
MAN #1: Sorry.
WOMAN #1: You’re such an idiot.
WOMAN #2: (to WOMAN #1) Why are you marrying him?
MAN #1: ‘Cause she loooooooooves me!
WOMAN #1: Stop shoving your crotch in her fucking face.
MAN #1: She’s fine!
WOMAN #2: Yeah, but you nearly hit her in the face!

(She gestures to the WOMAN on the other side of her.)

MAN #1: (to the WOMAN) Oh, sorry, ma’am, did I hit you?
WOMAN #3: Almost, but it’s fine.
MAN #1: See? Everybody’s fine.
MAN #2: So you guys are getting a dog?
WOMAN #1: Yeah, we’re going to get him next week.
MAN #2: What kind?
WOMAN #1: A pit bull, he’s …
MAN #1: A pit bull, raaaaaawr! He’s gonna bite you! I’m gonna train him to bite you when you come over!
WOMAN #1: Shut the fuck up. God, you’re so annoying.
MAN #1: I know you are, but what am I?
WOMAN #2: You’re like a third grader.
MAN #1: I know you are, but what am I?
WOMAN #1: You are being so loud and you’re annoying everyone on this train.
MAN #1: Who am I annoying? Everyone’s involved in their own conversations. Everyone’s heading home. I’m not annoying anybody. Look around. Who’s annoyed? Nobody.

(WOMAN #1 leans in and whispers something to WOMAN #2.)

MAN #1: What are you saying? Tell me.
WOMAN #2: No.
MAN #1: Tell me now. If you don’t tell me, I’m going to scream really loudly until you do. You aren’t going to tell me? OK. Here we go. AAAAAHHHHHH!!!

(WOMAN #1 stands up, slaps him across the face.)

MAN #1: Why won’t you tell me?
WOMAN #1: Jesus Christ.
MAN #1: Thanks for that, by the way.
WOMAN #1: You’re welcome.
MAN #1: (to WOMAN #3) Do you want to go to dinner with me tonight?
WOMAN #3: No, thanks.
WOMAN #2: Please take him off of our hands.
WOMAN #3: Sorry.
MAN #1: Do you think I’m annoying? Am I bothering you?
WOMAN #3: Whatever.
MAN #1: I’d like to have dinner with you. C’mon. What are you doing tonight? You want to have dinner? We can even split the bill.
WOMAN #3: Sorry.
MAN #1: She’s thinking about it. She’ll have dinner with me.
WOMAN #2: (to WOMAN #3) He’s doing this and his fiancee is right there.
WOMAN #1: Mmhmm. Unbelievable.
MAN #1: (to WOMAN #1) God, you always ruin everything for me.

FIN.