Working Girl

Over the past week I’ve been conducting interviews with people applying to be my assistant at work, and it has been eye-opening. I haven’t been in a job interview in five years, and my only interview experience has been of the group variety, so one-on-one interviews are a new beast for me. I’m learning all about what not to wear (a t-shirt), what not to say ( “I wanted to be an actress, but I’m coming to terms with the fact that that’s not going to happen for me, so I’m just trying to find my way somewhere”), and what not to do (not show up).

I’ve been stood up twice now by folks with whom I’ve scheduled and confirmed interviews. I got a real crazy vibe from the guy who didn’t show up today, so it was somewhat of a relief to not have to deal with him. But, my experience with the first no-show is an experience I’ll treasure. After waiting for her for 25 minutes, I put in a phone call:

NO-SHOW: Hello?
ISAAC: Hi, is this [name withheld to protect her lazy ass]?
NO-SHOW: Yeah?
ISAAC: Hi, this is Isaac, I’m calling from [name withheld].

(Beat.)

NO-SHOW: Oh. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey.
ISAAC: Hi. I’m assuming you’re not coming in for the 3:00 interview we scheduled, seeing as how it’s not 3:30.
NO-SHOW:I should have called. See, I live in Bostonnnnnn, and, ummmmmm, I was thinking I might want to relocate, you know, but I decided, ummmmm, that I doooon’t want to, soooo …
ISAAC: OK. Well, just so you know in the future, a phone call is always appreciated.

Click.

Another favorite phone call:

APPLICANT: Hello?
ISAAC: Hi, is [name withheld] there?
APPLICANT: Um, who’s calling?
ISAAC: My name is Isaac. I’m calling from [name withheld].
APPLICANT: The what?
ISAAC: [Name withheld]. Someone at this phone number submitted a resume and cover letter for a position here.
APPLICANT: Oh, yeah, I did.
ISAAC: OK, so you are the person I was calling for.
APPLICANT: Yeah, I am.
ISAAC: Great. Well, we’ve reviewed your resume and would like to schedule an interview with you, if you’re still available and interested in the position.
APPLICANT: Um, yeah, sure.

What?! You apply for a job and your phone rings two days later from a number you don’t recognize and you answer as if it’s probably a telemarketer? Don’t you at least want to be a little on your game and not sound like you’re just lying on the couch with a bag of Fritos?

And I’m calling for an interview. That’s good news! “Um, yeah, sure.” Oh, I’m sorry, is this a bad time for you? Am I calling in the middle of a syndicated episode of Cold Case that you haven’t seen before and you’re now watching it on mute, cursing me for distracting you from some possibly incriminating evidence?

What the hell is wrong with people? I thought people were desperate for jobs these days! I have encountered no desperation and, frankly, I’m a little disappointed.